Burnout, neurodivergence + what's been going on lately 💜

a despatch from the shell grotto 🐚✨

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Thank you for Being here.

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🎶  Happiness is waiting for you, why don’t you stay with me? 🎶

Dear heart,

Today i’m taking a deep breath (join me?) and sharing this text from a podcast i made in 2021 where I offer some storytime moments, insights and resources following my long-road-discovery of being late-diagnosed neurospicy - neurodivergent - neurodiverse - neuroemergent human.

It’s been one hellova journey I can’t begin to tell you!
…Well I can tell you now, almost 3 years in, as i’ve been in the shell grotto, re-processing my entire 43 years of life on earth (again), every single day, since this realisation. wow.

But I haven’t been able to share more before now, publicly, at least. Some explanations of why, below. 

I’m still clambering…it’s been a really rough autumn-winter / life since 2020 / life since way before 2020…but the more recent season of hardships mostly due to my attempts at unmasking and advocating for myself often being met with ableism… it’s never-not-disappointing. Agonising. Heartbreaking. And lonely. Performative disability justice is real, friends...anyway, more on that another time.

For now, I’m trying to find my way and connect somehow with those who do have capacity for us to Be all facets of ourselves. Mostly, I share this piece as an attempt to show up for myself, and for us, whilst being in process…and i’m doing my best to offer myself grace through this phase of burnout, despite my internal voice being like, “i (they) don’t wanna see that!” (sidenote: in case you haven’t seen the marvellous series The Comeback, i really recommend it for painful lols!)

I hope this piece meets someone who might also be on the journey, or meets a fellow human who isn’t, but might know someone moving through burnout, whether it’s due to a life-changing diagnosis, living with limitations in some way, or reacting understandably to the perils of living through this time… 

Most of all, i hope it offers a space to land which is tender and gentle, and perhaps hopeful too? i don’t know, but i dream of an interdependent ecosystem, so i’d love to hear from you in the comments… is anybody out there? 

If anything resonates, i’d love to hear. I’d also love to hear your / any insights. And please, feel welcome and encouraged to share this piece with anyone you think would dig. Thank you for Being here.

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🔸 Content warning: Discussion of depression/burnout/trauma and chronic illness. if this isn’t something you want to read or listen to today, please take care of yourself. Am sending much care your way.

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Burnout, neurodivergence + what's been going on lately 💜 

If you’d prefer to listen to this in audio form via my podcast, you can access that here: i Feel For You podcast episode 84, otherwise, scroll on for the text!

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You’re listening to / reading the text for I Feel For You podcast episode 84.

I’m Dionne; a writer, installation artist, yoga, somatic movement + embodiment facilitator, dj...amongst other things. In short, i create events and experiences for the community to feel more space, more at home in their bodies and more free, using modalities like art, sound, vr, nature, writing and feelings. 

In this podcast i’m sharing some storytime moments on what’s been going on lately. Acknowledging the deep wisdom that can come from the darkest moments.

Closing the ports and bringing things back to your centre. 🚢

It’s really been a practice in trust, (unlearning) hyper independence and (unlearning) masking. also practicing not hiding and taking up space (always) through boundary explorations. playing with easy up, easy down resilience-building. and expression that feels safe (and that’s the sticky bit, but i'm invested! ) 

So staying with What Is, practicing tenderness, compassion and acceptance for What Is, essentially doing the best i can with what i got!

(theres always a moment to get that quote in right? Thanks Mimi!)

As you might expect, i also share some ideas 4u to explore, whether you’re experiencing something similar in resonance, or just want some evergreen tools. I got u!

I really hope this podcast helps support you in remembering who you are, as well as offers you some free space for exploration.

And i also want to honour space for not needing to ‘Do’ (capital d) or leap into any self improvement reflex with this or any idea i share.
You know that though, right?
This life pie is a daily practice, a process, of Being. Although on our little walks through the world, we are interconnected and interdependent. 

So to anyone else on the journey, i really hope that you might feel encouraged and comforted to allow space to dwell in your own process. 🪞

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As always, a reminder, this podcast pleasure zone is a conversation.
I love to hear from you, so feel welcome to leave me a voicemail, or contact me through Dionne.space, or leave me a comment below!

And also, if you dig this episode / text / multimedia zine, I’d really appreciate you sharing the love with your people. And animals. Cause I love resonance and magic and spells by word of mouth or any other expression, so whether that’s you sharing the podcast, tagging me in your socials to share (I love a screenshot or video from where you’re listening from, take me with you - that was me singing Prince) or leaving me a review which helps other likeminded humans find the show, I’m deeply appreciative to connect with you.

Grateful that you’re here. I hope that you enjoy the show. 

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Tuesday 23 November, 2021

Tuesday 23 November 2021

sometime around 8am, a stream of consciousness written on the toilet. Attempting to explain to my Patreon Fam what’s been going on lately. 

* cue: sound of writing or scribing on paper*📝

Hello loves, 

It’s taken every part of me to summon energy to write-

-Delete that-

I’ve been… having a bit of a challenging time.

A breakdown of sorts. A burnout at large.

I realised, I don’t know how to be in this world without giving all I have to others. 

I don’t know how to prioritise myself. To centre myself fully. Without feeling inclined to want to help, or be in and of service in some way.

I know this sounds martyr-like…

I don’t care anymore

Trauma is what it is. And I’ve been doing a lot of hard, deep work with my therapist to try to find a way through. 

To find a way back to myself.

It’s hard because I don’t know what that is, or how it feels

I know I’m far at sea

And that I’ve had energy for so little 

That my body felt like it was betraying me- again

When in reality, it was doing everything it could to keep me here

To be here

To stay.

…I hope this doesn’t worry anyone… 

I’m also figuring out how to be in my truth. 

To unmask. 

To not codeswitch.

You see i have been on another simultaneous deep and intense journey these months in realising my neurodivergence.

- Wow, that's scary to type out! Scary to say!
Not scary just-
Real.

I’ve been on a magnificent research trip (you know me). 🐰🕳

Been in consultations. Conversations. With specialists. With many who also identify, who i also deem specialists. With my doctors. Have been referred to other specialists for “official” diagnosis (which is interesting: the “official-ness” and the “diagnosis” part) And i am, 6 months after this official referral, still in limbo for and it could be years before i know more, due to waiting lists.

I have spoken with psychologists and doctors. Completed all their tests which shockingly reveal my brain veers in different landscapes than neurotypical ones. And i’ve been in shock, to be honest, with processing it all. At first trying to dismiss, distance and defend the other more “official” ways that explain why my brain is like this. Trauma, anxiety, the side effects to my autoimmune disorder, my recovering empath nature, which is mostly on boundaries and learning to recover from emotionally immature parents, a trifle of trauma, my pisces sun-gemini moon, my INFP, my enneagram 4w5, and more besides. 

So when to speak on it?
When I get something official?
When the same tests I have taken and the same conversations I have been having for months are “officiated” by someone else? 

Does diagnosis matter? 

Yes, I think it does to me

But also, no. I am constantly resisting top-down positioning that validates and invalidates peoples truths.

Does it matter to have a label attached?

You know how I feel about labels…

…Or not?!

Ok quick sidenote on that. Cause labels can feel restrictive to me. How I feel when I’m put in a box. I want to resist all limitations. I want to shape-shift, always, or, at least have the freedom to. I want to surprise, not as performance, but for myself…is that selfish? 

I want to surprise myself to feel I am in life. 

Swimming in it! 

Immersed in it. 

Growing. 

And to me, that means being open to possibility. 

Open to change. 

I know I also have issues with static-ness. 

Staying when my reflex is to run.

Being with it, when I can instead constantly be seeking ways to improve myself or fix something i must have done wrong

Is that a response to symptoms of a capitalist, white supremacist, ableist, neurotypical agenda? 

Possibly. 

Is it trauma?

Quite certainly trauma plays a part, this is how I have survived on this planet. but also (as we can hold multiple truths and possibilities at once) this is how my brain works. 

It’s a seeking brain. A curious brain (aren’t they all?). My body (not separate from my brain) loves this way of being too. 

It loves exploring new ways of being in the world. New ways of moving. New terrain. New patterns. New roads. Off roads, ideally, so it can create its own path. 

Sure, body-brain likes familiar pathways too, and to know how to meet its needs, like after a long day of sitting, or after a walk uphill when my front just wants to melt into softness. 

To be carried. 

…My back and my front want to be carried.

it me, the robot + also the humans trying to help myself up

another self portrait

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Update 7 January 2022

So i wrote this piece above on Tuesday 23 November 2021. And I was hoping to send it to you on that date. To update you with what was happening. But somehow, I couldn't manage it. I was close. Then when i realised i was in collapse and freeze, i had an emergency extra session with my therapist who advised me to “close all the ports”

Close all the ports.

Isn't that great advice? Like a ship at sea, indecisive and overwhelmed by ports that require a visit, each feeling equal in their importance, and not knowing which way to go and ending up using a lot of fuel in that confusion. 

In the moment of overwhelm, what ports are possible to close?

So we can instead focus on where we are at. Not touring the various destinations but

Floating, for now

Centring ourselves

However possible

So we can stay afloat

Then be much more helpful to others.

Of course, i'm learning, albeit slowly, that's my sole purpose in life isn’t to keep others afloat, but i have a strong patterning for it.

Do you relate?

I was trained from being a baby into adulthood

To be considerate of others

To not bother them with my needs or desires

And i was shown they didn't matter anyway

This isn't a sob story friends

Just a relational moment to give some context to the lifetime of work i’m invested in

To keep showing up for

To repattern

Unlearn

Relearn

Me and younger me are getting acquainted once again! I’m learning how to take care of her. And i think this burnout over the last few months was really fuelled by her final retort. A tantrum to demand i pay attention.

Aren't our bodies and inner worlds so clever like that?

Not trying to glamourise or silver-line a breakdown, rather, acknowledge the deep wisdom that can come from them

In them

The message within it

In the darkest moments

Which is telling you, 

“hey friend, stay here, i want you to be ok

And here's how we can begin that process together…”

So.

Here we are.

January 2022

And i'm feeling so, so much better

…In ways

Of course, the world is still on fire and the grief feels impossible to sit with for very long

The need for processing, individually - collectively, is magnificent

The yearning that's always present to want to offer something, anything, which might be helpful to people

Again, not in the martyr-way or selfless way i was trained to do that forgoes any of my own needs,

Rather, the deep and ever-present yearning of connection with fellow souls on the path

And to keep showing up for them. For us.

As close to purpose as i can articulate right now… 

And so, i sit with the complexity of it all, and i sit with the unknown, questions and quandaries that don’t have neat answers

Yielding to what is, surrendering a need to fix or take care of things in ways that mean i can go back to operating in the ways i've always done, everybody else first, myself last. 

But this is a process… and in that process, i’m really trying to talk to myself nicely, which is easier said than done, if you too find it easier to conjure those unkind voices, the negativity biases at play. I find it’s easier to practice self compassion by using the help of my imaginary cat (Yenkins) and imagining younger-me in some moments when it feels accessible, and practice tending to and caring for them, and by doing so, i thus offer the same to myself as adult me. Does that make any sense? 🐾

And with all of that said, i’m at sea, but practicing conserving my fuel for myself first, which, as a consequence, naturally opens up ports for me to visit! To share and give and offer from that place. Which i think feels more useful.

It's a daily practice. A process. And to anyone else on the journey, i really hope that you might feel encouraged or comforted to allow space to dwell in your own process, to close ports if need be, and to bring it all back to your centre.

via stoppingoffplace

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There are of course, various other things that have helped me on the journey, but as i mentioned in episode 80 of this podcast, holding hands with hope which i recorded and spoke about being in it but not utterly consumed by it, along with some other deeper shares and offerings…….. You know how i'm ever reluctant to tell you to DO anything, and rather, i’m much more interested in us practicing BEING. And when it's unbearable to be with stuff, then to tap out in ways that feel supportive to our bodies. Letting the body lead the way, if possible.

A reminder that you don’t have to do anything or to feel pressure to fix or make things right. 

So holding space for that and also, for the sake of those looking for some ideas i wanted to offer a quick nod and acknowledge some of the things that helped me during this phase of burnout which have given me space to be in space that i was in, without needing to have to change or force myself to improve myself, rather, things that helped me be with what what was present. 

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Here’s a ‘quick list’ (lol) of things that have helped me / now and always:
✨🤖✨🦕✨👡✨🔮✨💅🏾✨🤷🏽‍♀️✨ 

• Therapy - and i realise the barriers at being able to afford and access therapy, that’s a very real theme in my life and i’ve been keeping an ongoing list of accessible therapy ideas in previous podcast episodes and also on the blog and website. If you’re listening to this in a podcast app and want something immediately, you could head to my shownotes of my podcast episode 31 of this podcast, grief, sadness and life online which offers some ideas and ways you can seek help.

• ​​Text therapy

• Here’s an updated list including other affordable options for people on low incomes

• Generalised anxiety disorder in adults

• Therapy for black girls

• Find a therapist near you (the Black, African and Asian therapy network)

• Whether going to immediate family or friends or to consult your doctor for sources of healing through counselling. Sometimes, just having a compassionate ear offers solace. If you are looking for further support, Mind are a fantastic organisation who do great things. They are based in the UK. Check out this index for some informative details and useful links.

• It was a little more challenging to find the equivalent in Norway (!) but try this link for mental health support in Norway. You can also call “livskrisehjelpen” the Bergen phone no: 55568754 or drop in at Bergen legevakt. There are other regional numbers depending on where in Norway you live.

Choose your own adventure and also a reminder that there are so many different types of therapy. I made a blog post about this a couple of years ago and maybe i’ll record it as a podcast if it’s easier to access, in case you’re finding reading challenging at the moment, i know i am, so listening to things has been quite helpful so maybe that should go on the list as well!

What else has been helping me?

• Morning pages and writing in general - you know i speak about them all the time, if you’re not sure or new to this podcast / space to land, check my shownotes for more on Pages.

• Yoga + movement + meditation practices - it probably comes as no surprise but maybe it does! Even if you teach any kind of movement modality for a living, there can absolutely be phases of burnout where, even turning to those resources which have helped you out so much, feels hard. But for me, i’ve stayed consistent with my daily practice, and as you know my daily practice is adapted to how i feel in that moment of the day, so it’s different every single day and i encourage you to embrace how you feel as you show up for yourself in your practice, whatever that is.

  
  📼 You might also know i make free resources 4u over on my youtube channel. I’ve also made some practice journeys for you like:
  
  🗓 30 days of yoga, which is a free resource for you, it’s the videos but i’ve also created this…mail for you, like a daily email which is like a love letter and an encouragement….um…hug?! What’s an encouragement hug?! Lol! It’s an email and as well as the practice you receive each day, there’s also a note for you with some ideas to contemplate, there’s prompts for you if you like writing, and links to other resources and probably…memes. And gifs. But you know, who knows?! It’s a surprise every day! So i hope you enjoy that!
  
  🌎 earthing for earthlings 🌱, is a shorter journey, 14 days long 

  
  ❄️ plus there’s a new practice journey i just released on my youtube channel called Winter Light Practices so if you’re in the northern hemisphere and you’re looking for some winter-themed seasonal focussed practices, and even if you’re in the southern hemisphere and looking for something at this time of year, hopefully you’ll find those useful!

  I’ll also be having a livestream soon, i know!
  read on / listen to the end for more details on that as it will be invite only. But let’s continue the list for now cause i want to stay on track.

  
  What else has been helping me stay with what is?

• Music and making my radio show FEELINGS  - so you probably know this but music is my easiest access point to convey my emotions, to connect with them, to even understand them, or, just to be with them actually, rather than again, need to fix or get into my head about things, the music just helps stuff move through, do you know what i mean? And so i hope it offers others people who listen, some processing space to be with and move through stuff too.

• There’s also my gigantic playlist Vibes Immediately. And tonnes more playlists i’m sharing here on this space to land Substack, as well as in my events newsletter The Digest, which you can access here and get access immediately to some treats!
  

• Watching things that comfort me 
  I have a list of things which help, particularly with anxiety. So i’m a bit sensitive and even before the pandemic i can’t really stomach seeing trauma and pain and really violent stuff and just certain things that trigger me and give me nightmares and linger, i find it difficult to watch certain things so i have to be a bit cautious. I found a great website you can check to see if there’s any potential trigger warnings that you might be particularly sensitive to before watching something which is great.
  I’ll make a note of that (scribbles) *Does The Dog Die was the one i was trying to remember! *

  📺 Things i’ve been watching for my anxiety - a relatively newish blog post of suggestions

  📽 You might also be familiar with my big shared community google doc / films for self care / a running list of stuff that i and many others have shared ideas on, so feel welcome have a look at that and please add your ideas, films, series etc
  

  🎬 + my letterboxd account which i’ve been updating recently. Are you the same where you have these tallies like Goodreads and things and for years you don’t update the thing then you catch a wind, come back to it and wonder, why don’t i update this all the time…?!

…What else has been helping?

Wait, let's just take a breath for a moment!

✨✨✨ pause to breathe ✨✨✨

…Will you take a breath with me?

✨✨✨ Another pause to breathe ✨✨✨

Sorry was getting a little…excited! It’s ok to be excited, but i also want to still stay on the ground, if you know what i mean!

What else has been helping?

• Prioritising rest - i don’t think i need to say a lot on that cause i talk and share a lot about rest in lots of podcasts and blog posts, including the collection rest resources on my blog, If you head to my blog directly, you’ll see i’ve gathered up a load of them right at the top and you’ll find a list of stuff so feels welcome to take or leave and choose your own adventure with

• Painting is what it is, painting without goal or lofty perfectionist traits or anything like that. Just painting. Opening a page and letting my feelings move out through the paint. 

• Morning walks within the first 30 minutes of waking up
  Being in nature or trying to get into nature at least! And sometimes that might be the more “urbanised nature”, a local tree! Or maybe i get to the park, which is amazing, i can get to talk to dogs and squirrels and birds!
  
  Shoutout to one of my dear teachers Bo Forbes for this one.

  Bo Forbes
  is on Substack now! Thrilled about it!
  

  These morning walks have really helped with my sleep, so if you’re looking to improve your sleep and you haven’t tried that already, it could be worth a shot! See how it goes, obvs let me know in the comments.

And it goes without saying but i’ll say it anyway, cause i love to hear from you. When i share these podcasts, it’s a conversation rather than a one way….message! I would love to hear what is helping you and what has helped you in the past, be with what it is. I really value your shares and ideas and let’s chew this and traverse the terrain, together! 

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• Embracing the season i'm in physically mentally and emotionally - again lots of podcasts on this in episode 60, Honouring your own Season (we move, regardless) is an example, and also
  Learning to trust you are enough > episode 28, this is a popular one and one of my faves too. 

• Long soaks in epsom salt baths - water babies at sea, do you feel me?!

• Earlier nights and better sleep hygiene in general. More on that when it comes to the livestream, which i’ll tell you about very very shortly, when i get to the end of this list!

• Moving slower in general. Yeah, that’s a good one, 

  ✨ So let’s take another breath for nothing ✨
  
  …We go at our own pace, right?
  Whatever pace that is. 

• And finally, letting myself follow the flow of my energy at the time. Which is easier said than done, but we can think of this like a meditation in itself, right? We’re simply observing what’s happening, how do we feel, what is present, what requires attention, what’s feeling like a distraction, what do we need, etc.

  And this doesn't have to be a formal thing. It can be as simple as knowing when you need to use the bathroom, do you get me? Those of you who hold, who hang on as you’re in the middle of something very important, please beloved, go and relieve yourself now. Relieve yourself in general. Release some tension.
  
  Wherever you are on the journey, relieve yourself from the ports that feel too much.

  Clear the slate where possible.

  And when you can’t clear the slate, to really check in with the energy you have and adapt accordingly. Start with You.

  There is so much more i could say here… but perhaps instead i’ll hold back from overloading information and instead remind you that i’m sharing all of these tools and resources in this substack, there’s practices, and stuff that has helped me, as well as things i’ve made which i’ve been told have helped others too, which is not to say thats it’s ‘one size fits all’, so always choose your own adventure, choose your own seasoning etc etc but head to dionne.space or ifeelforyoupodcast.com and this is episode 84.

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📯 The announcement bit! 

And so, about this announcement i referenced earlier, this wasn’t ‘clickbait’, i just wanted to put this at the end so it wasn’t a distraction from the other stuff, but as i mentioned, i'm also holding space for a livestream gathering soon-soon. Like real soon.

It will be one of my self care sessions and spaces to land from way back in the day, you know, those of you who have rolled with me for years will probably remember! So we’ll be practicing deep rest, and that will include some yoga + movement + stillness, some connective tissue work, some freewriting, prompts and space for connection should you want it. And as always, there will be lots of extra tools + resources offered to you in the follow up from the session, and it’s open to everyone, you don’t need any experience or special props, only yourself. So if you’re interested in this offering, reach out to me and i’ll send you the details.

Send me a message here Ok? Ok! 

That’s all for now, but i’m sending you heaps of love, encouragement and waves from this floating vessel to yours. Let’s jellyfish it, eh?
…is that too many analogies? Ships and creatures? Possibly! But we move.
Or rather, we try to rest. 
We try to be with what is:
The uncertainty. The unknown. The discomfort if it’s not too difficult to be with, but also the escapism if that feels helpful and nourishing and comforting when things are hard. 

You get to practice new ways of being you, whenever you feel like it babes. You can always start over. You can always begin again and again.

And even though i say ‘begin’, it’s also a remembering of sorts. Like getting back to the source. Saucy! (Sorry!)

Let’s get serious now. Serious-serious-seriously. 

I hope this episode can be a reminder of that. And to walk with you perhaps on a different path but, a companion, nonetheless.

Do you, baybee!

(you know i can’t keep it that serious for too long!)

Always and forever!

Take care of you, friends. 

Thank you for listening.

dionne 💜

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